Newmark's Door

One of the ways a professional poker player beats you

Joe Navarro discusses "Tells of the Mouth".

I (almost) don't believe this

A story from Overheard in New York about a company that lost a $14,000 order because it was geography-challenged.

Kevin does Chris

Kevin Pollack does an amazing impression of Christopher Walken.

Here's Mr. Walken "hoofing, old school" in "Weapon of Choice".

Some of Will Rogers's fine observations

While looking for a particular Will Rogers quote, I found this nice collection.

This country has gotten where it is in spite of politics, not by the aid of it. That we have carried as much political bunk as we have and still survived shows we are a super nation.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for. 

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.   

Got six minutes?

If you do, let the late, great Mitch Hedberg play with your head.

I was getting my teeth whitened, but then I said, "Forget that. I'll just get a tan instead."

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

There's no resume like a stupid resume

"Stupid Shit People ACTUALLY Put On Their Resumes".

1. I am very detail-oreinted.

5. It’s best for employers that I not work with people.

12. Please disregard the attached resume-it is terribly out of date.

14. Graduated in the top 66% of my class.

21. Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory; effective management skills; and very good at math.

25. Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel.

If you want still more, see "150 Funniest Resume Mistakes, Bloopers, and Blunders Ever".

"Hy-pathetic-al Questions"

"What if Gene inflicted another 'What if' column on us?"

WHAT IF Barack Obama were exactly the same person he is but were named Stanley P. Nussbaum?

First, let's list the positives:

1. His initials would no longer be "B.O."

2.

Yeah, that's about it.

"What part of New York is Chicago in?"

From Overheard in New York.

Remarkable

Slow to load, if they load at all, but if you can see them, a remarkable collection of "Pictures From the Sky".

The inimitable Gene Weingarten

For a "special treat", Gene interviews his wife.

"Dirty" picture

This picture features a dirty word (the f-word)--so if you're sensitive about such things, please don't follow the link--but it made me laugh out loud.

How to do impressions, using food

Clip of Albert Brooks on the Johnny Carson show.

Two from "Overheard in New York"

One.

Two.

Two funny Dilberts

One.

Two.

"Bad driving: it's not just for old people"

Dave Barry:

You're thinking, ''They can't get any worse!'' I used to think that, but lately I'm not so sure. For example, the other night I was driving on the Palmetto Expressway. (I know, I know.) Normally, on the Palmetto, traffic moves at an average speed of 53 miles per hour, calculated as follows:

• 49 percent of the drivers are going 80 miles per hour.

• 49 percent of the drivers are going 30 miles per hour.

• 2 percent of the drivers are, for a variety of reasons, backing up.

Link via Michael Greenspan.

Two for amusement

Take the quiz: "Discontinued Ben & Jerry's Flavor or Band I Found on MySpace?"

"Cookie Monster Searches Deep Within Himself and Asks: Is Me Really Monster?"

End-of-semester Friday video lollapalooza

And now for something different . . . .

Andy Garcia imitates Al Pacino.

Robin Williams pays tribute to Al Pacino.

Tracey Ullman pays tribute to Meryl Streep.

Nora Ephron--at the absolute top of her form--pays tribute to Meryl Streep.

Jim Carrey--ditto--pays tribute to Meryl Streep.

Singing "Superman" together, Willie Nelson and Snoop Dogg.

In a last performance before his tragically early death, Otis Redding, "Try a Little Tenderness".

An ad for Quendleton State U. "If we were a good university, we wouldn't have a commercial."

A nine-minute recounting of the Boston Celtics' 1969 NBA championship. The last few seconds--of Bill Russell absolutely speechless with joy--is not something you see much of these days.

Finally, one of the greatest commercials ever--and not only because of its subject--"Just me and Cindy, O.K.? I think you hear me knocking, Richard, and I think I'm coming in, and I got a box full of Eskimo Pies with me." Denis Leary appeals for "Cindy TV".

Redo you

"Create a new look and share it with friends (or just keep it to yourself)": Taaz.

Some people are numbers people; some aren't

From reader Michael Greenspan comes word of an embarrassing typographical error in a letter by the editor of Poetry magazine.

Satire of high school graduate

High school graduation is coming soon, so here's a piece from The Onion. It's  note-perfect: "High-School Senior Marvels At What A Long, Strange Trip It's Been".

"Top 100 Stand-up Comedians of All Time"

With links to video.

Hypochondria played for laughs

Only one man I know can make hypochondria seem funny.

Gene Weingarten is that man.

Dave Barry has a colonoscopy

Especially if you're near age 50, I recommend you read this.

You'll laugh until you plotz.

That nyuk-nyuk sound in the middle of the night

Funny, with at least a grain of truth: "Candid New York City Rental Ads".

From The Onion

Too good: "Study Finds Jack Shit".

Mrs. Clinton

I like this video: "Extra Strength Tryphorgetin". (Not safe for Hillary lovers.) Link via Lucianne.

This is definitely not funny: "Hillary’s Crocodile Tears in Connecticut".

My own reaction was of regret that, when I terminated her employment on the Nixon impeachment staff, I had not reported her unethical practices to the appropriate bar associations. 

The best Supe predictions

"Famous Authors Predict the Winner of Super Bowl XLII".

Ayn Rand: Patriots 326, Giants –27

Jane Austen: Handsome Tom 46, Stern Aunt Louisa 9

"The Chicken Soup Chronicles"

Nora Ephron is pretty funny.

Something you may not have seen

I imagine that you--the Door's readers--have been around, have seen lots of things.

But have you ever seen a duck stampede?

American Liberals Sneaking Across Border Into Canada

"The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration."

Link via my colleague, Denis Pelletier.

Heh. "Entire Blogosphere Stunned by Blogger's Special Weekend Post".

The "Procrastination Flow Chart".

"The World According to Americans". Unfair, unkind, but made me laugh.

"[Three] Stray Questions For: P. J. O'Rourke".

Whatever I end up writing next probably will have to do with children. I’ve researched the subject extensively, if not on purpose. That is, I have three kids ranging in age from 10 to 3 and a half. Since I’ve always specialized in chaos and human folly, it seems a shame to let three wonderful little examples of such go to waste.

Ain't it the truth: The Onion reports that "Bullshit is the Most Important Issue for 2008 Voters".

Thanks to Door reader Max the Wise for this fine crack. You refer to somebody as having "severe nonlinear cognitive dysfunction".

Someone can't think straight.

(No link for the phrase even on the vastness of Google; way to go, Max!)

"World's Wittiest Lonely Hearts Ads". Among my favorites:

"Mature gentleman, 62, aged well, noble grey looks, fit and active, sound mind and unfazed by the fickle demands of modern society seeks . . . damn it, I have to pee again."

"Bald, short, fat and ugly male, 53, seeks short-sighted woman with tremendous sexual appetite."

"I've divorced better men than you. And worn more expensive shoes than these. So don't think placing this ad is the biggest comedown I've ever had to make. Sensitive F, 34."

If you survive several millenia of exile and persecution you're apt to develop a fine sense of humor: "The Yiddishe Parrot".

Via recent birthday-boy John Palmer comes word of the Official Hillary Nutcracker.

No comment needed.

Simply too good: Gene Weingarten's "Department of Obviousology".

Me: Now, if I may summarize this report, which had impressive spreadsheets and charts and graphs, and employed such things as standard deviations and whatnot: After an exhaustive study involving about 60 young male volunteers, you discovered scientifically that heterosexual men who are listening to an audiotape of a woman talking dirty become more sexually aroused if they've been led to believe that the woman who is talking dirty is really good-looking, as opposed to thinking that she is really ugly.

Mueller: Right.

Me:

Online version of Skeeball.

There's a world of fun at . . . your curling rink! (Via Gorilla Mask.)

Don't know how long this will be available: the complete daily Calvin & Hobbes. Free.

As good a comic strip as there has been.

Heh: The Onion reports "Longtime Married Couple Subjected To Excruciating 'Romantic Weekend Getaway'".

The Onion, excellent as usual: "John Edwards Vows To End All Bad Things By 2011".

God's e-mail inbox.

This has apparently been around for a long time, so I apologize if you've already seen it. But I just discovered the product registration form for McDonald Douglas military aircraft.

This made me laugh. 118 ways You Know You're In College When . . . 

*1. High school started before 8am, but now anything before noon is considered “early”.

*18. Your primary news sources are the Daily Show and the Colbert Report.

25. Quarters are like gold.

49. You skip one class to write a paper for another.

*89. Class size doubles on exam days. [Editorial note: word!]

Gene Weingarten delivers a high school graduation speech.

LET ME BEGIN by dismantling a great big fiction about high school commencement addresses. I am supposed to tell you today that you are embarking on a bold, new journey and whatnot. It's in the official graduation speech handbook, page 3, paragraph 9. But here's what you have to realize: A few years from now, when most of you are graduating from college . . . they're going to tell you the same thing.

My point is that the basic, all-purpose high school graduation speech is a lie. It's a lie, because they don't want to tell you the truth, which is that you are embarking on a bold, new journey to explore such things as whether it is physically possible to jam into a dormitory elevator the entire contents of the faculty lounge, including the sectional sofa.

In the Onion's famous funny-but-uncomfortably-close-to-the-truth style: "Greenspan Comes Out Of Retirement For One More Interest Rate Hike". (Thanks to Andrew for the link.)

A little humor to end the week:

A (relatively) new blonde joke.

"The Top Ten Greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger Post-Mortem One Liners".

Two gems from McSweeney's:

"A Guest Columnist Still Getting the Hang of It".

"Lesser Moments in Spanish Extra Credit".

Going back to work after a long weekend, some humor seems appropriate:

Free carbon offsets (via Instapundit).

A collection of smartass answers.

A bit of the Zeitgeist from the indispensible Overheard in New York: "I Need Compassion and An Alibi".

Not Zeitgeist, just funny: "NYC Rats Are Too Pretentious for Chain Restaurants".

The absolute truth, truth that needs no further elaboration from me: "79 Percent of Americans Missing the Point Entirely".

According to a Georgetown University study released Tuesday, 79 percent of Americans are missing the point entirely with regard to such wide-ranging topics as politics, consumerism, taxes, entertainment, fashion, and professional wrestling. 

"Pros and Cons of the Top Twenty Democratic Presidential Candidates".

5.

JOE BIDEN

Pro: Technically still running for president.

Con: Dude. Come on.

Some of Tina Fey's greatest bits (video).

Clip and save: Vanity Fair's "All-Purpose Public Mea Culpa".

"You Know You're In College When . . ." Some excerpts:

1. High school started before 8am, but now anything before noon is considered "early".

5. You know many different ways to cook ramen noodles or macaroni and cheese.

8. You know how late McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Qdoba, etc. are open.

25. Quarters are like gold.

59. You never realized so many people are smarter than you.

60. You never realized so many people are dumber than you.

Gene Weingarten writes about his Scarlet Letter of Laziness. If there's any justice in the world, this gets a Pulitzer or some other big award. It's his masterpiece.

Maybe an old joke, but one I hadn't heard before: "What Do You Do With a Six Foot Asshole?"

First some really, really brave people figured out the Real Truth behind 9/11. Now one intrepid individual has decided to reveal the true story of the Titanic. Fabulous.

An iceberg was blamed for sinking the Titanic. Yeah right. Do they expect us to believe that ice--which is frozen water--is stronger than metal--the stuff they make swords out of? If icebergs are really that tough, then why don't people make boats out of icebergs instead?

I'll tell you why: because the government is a liar!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have two cows . . .

A new version of the "you have two cows" joke.

A TRADITIONAL CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

Read the whole thing.

Old joke but funny.

A very fine comeback, courtesy of Overheard in New York.

"Microeconomists are people who are wrong about specific things. Macroeconomists are people who are wrong about things in general."

This clip has been linked to by Greg Mankiw and others. But if you haven't seen it yet, are studying economics, are an economist, or just know one, I recommend that you take 5 minutes and 20 seconds of your life and watch Yoram Bauman's "Principles of Economics, Translated".

Thanks to my former student Jeff Gordon for the reminder.

Video of Christopher Walken doing this his thing. "More Cowbell" and "Census Taker" are classics in the Walken oeuvre.

I don't know what's going on here, what the motivation is, what the meaning is. But it is easy to play. Try to beat my score of 359.45.

In light of recent developments NASA has decided to revise its screening test. Christopher Buckley has details.

Gene Weingarten of the Washington Post discusses the recent changes to newspapers resulting from "financial challenges".

To boost street sales, we are going to put slightly exaggerated front-page headlines on some editions. Maintaining our all-important commitment to accuracy, the stories themselves will not be affected. It is only the headlines that might be "goosed" a little to stimulate impulse buying.

For example, the headline in the home-delivery paper might read "Bernanke Praises Good Economy," whereas the street-sale edition might read "BERNANKE HANGED BY ANGRY MOB."

The inimitable Sports Guy, Bill Simmons, sings the praises of South Beach. Worth reading even if you never intend to go. (It easy to tell that Simmons is big now: he rates satire in The Onion.)

Sort of good news: Joel Achenbach has a new shower curtain that helps his kid study for the SAT. Bad news: the shower curtain doesn't know very much.

McSweeney's slyly mocks the i-Phone hype with "The iPhone: A User's Guide".

In an astonishing development, we now know, courtesy of the Net, that all--yes, all--of the hit pop songs of the past 40 years were actually written by the incredibly prolific Bob Dylan. Including Brick House and Paradise City. Amazing. (Link via Metafilter.)

Long time reader of the Door, Mike, suggests that other Door readers might want to visit "Will It Blend?" There are many delightful choices, but Mike recommends the one with three hockey pucks.

Vanity Fair helps you with an important question: "Are You a Celebrity?"

1. It's a good idea to name your firstborn child after
a. a parent or grandparent
b. a beloved family friend
c. a type of fruit

10. After a night of passion, you
a. tell the whole world you're in love
b. feel a warm glow all over
c. create a shell company to sell the DVD

17. Your friends say you've been grouchy lately. You
a. apologize for any distress you may have caused them
b. explain that you've been under a lot of stress
c. fire them

Cheaper than getting your kid a new Wii or Playstation, and who knows, maybe as much fun. All the old-school Atari games, as good as they were, online and free.

"Blues for Beginners".

10. If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. Irish whiskey
c. muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

It's not enough for Scott Adams that he created and writes the insanely great Dilbert. No, he has to further flaunt his superiority by writing a great blog, full of fine posts like this one: "Acting Smarter Than You Are".

Funny medical stories.

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

Gene Weingarten demonstrates his "finely honed observational skills".

It might just be because I own a little PepsiCo--owner of Frito-Lay--stock, but I thought this Onion piece was quite funny, "Frito-Lay Angrily Introduces Line of Healthy Snacks".

With the recent trend of wholesome snack foods reaching "truly ridiculous proportions," Frito-Lay announced Monday that it would, against its better judgment, roll out a new line of healthy fruit-and-vegetable-based chips next February.

"Here," said Frito-Lay CEO Al Carey as he disgustedly tossed a bag of the company's new Flat Earth-brand snack crisps onto the lectern during a meeting with shareholders and members of the press. "Here's some shit that's made from beets. I hope you're all happy now that you have your precious beet chips with the recommended daily serving of fruit, or vegetables, or whatever the hell a 'beet' is."

Video of world's happiest baby

Not ready for another work week? Try a little video of the world's happiest baby. If it doesn't make you feel at least a little better, I can't help you. (Can be slow to load.) Via Reddit.

Gene Weingarten explains the secrets of being funny.

5. Anything Jewish-sounding is funny. We Jews are famously funny people, so absolutely anything can be made funnier if you throw in some Jew stuff.

Funny line: Take my wife . . . please.

Funnier line: "Take my wife. With all her kvetching, she is making me plotz. You could maybe also please take my mother-in-law, who is 5 foot 1 and weighs 250 pounds and dresses in schmattes, so she looks like some sort of haystack made of old tablecloths. From this woman, you could die. So, take both, and I will celebrate with gefilte fish and schnapps."

If you're in the military, don't aggravate your superior

"Actual lines out of U.S. Military OERs (Officer Efficiency Reports) and from Royal Navy and Marines officer fitness reports:"

A gross ignoramus = 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

Two possible helps for the Door's younger readers:

Essay Generator.

Post-Modernism Generator.

Wacky ideas for professors

"50 Things for Professors To Do On the First Day of Class". (The Door cannot be held responsible for the consequences of trying these.)

7. If someone asks a question, walk silently over to their seat, hand them your piece of chalk, and ask, “Would YOU like to give the lecture, Mr. Smartypants?”

50. Jog into class, rip the textbook in half, and scream, “Are you pumped? ARE YOU PUMPED? I CAN’T HEEEEEEAR YOU!”